I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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