He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
i drank out of a bidet.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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