I wish my penis had an off switch
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
