I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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