Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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