Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
