I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
