i jhust puked up my retainher.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
