Can i not drive my cunt home
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
