Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
