Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
