I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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