i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
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