I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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