well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
