Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
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