I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize