you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
