a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
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I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
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We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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