I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
