you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
