That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
