I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
