Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
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