I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
