The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Mom said you looked used
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I love you. Go after that dick
jump out the window naked night went bad
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