I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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