My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Randomize
