How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
