we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Drunk is not a location!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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