Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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