you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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