we have pet lesbian snakes
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
honey bunches of taint.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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