At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
There r osticjed everywhere
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize