that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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