Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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