the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
