I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
