I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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