I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
