Umm I'm too high to move.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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