fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
