The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
