Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
