Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
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Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
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he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.