There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
