I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
