Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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