when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Randomize
