Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
