I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
