You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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