I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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