Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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