she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
This is classic penis vs brain.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
