he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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