I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
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